Only if You Want To
by V musicka
Summary: In which Link and Midna head down a dark, creepy tunnel and conquer a rock whale. Mostly dialogue. What probably runs through their heads whenever they have to do something like this. Slight Midna x Link


Hello, hello again!

Before I get into any of this silliness of a story, I'd like to pimp someone very, very beastie and very special: the wonderful, insane, anonymous person who gave my **very first review!!**

~`~`~`~`~`~`~`(because this person is anonymous then I will allow him/her to remain completely anonymous and maybe he/she could help me spell anonymous...)`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`

I hope you feel very pimped now, whoever and wherever you are. lovelovelovelovelove

**Okay**, so. My second-ever fanfiction and my first ever Legend of Zelda fic. :D It's complete, mindblowing, hilarious, barely-relevant crack. :D

So one day I was playing _Twilight Princess _(amazing game, btw) and I realized that I had to get Link to go down this tunnel. My brother was sitting on the couch behind me eating Doritos and watching me and I was all freaked out because if any of you know Legend of Zelda, then you'll know that nothing happy happens in tunnels. So I said, "If there's a rock whale in here, then I'm going to die," and my brother was all, "The _heck_?!" and it was funny.

A year later, this story was born.

Anyway, I love Link and Midna's interactions together, especially when I imagine Link as a smart-alec, and I think this fic pretty much sums up their relationship. So...

Have fun!

- V

**Warnings: **delicious stupidity  
**Setting: **_Twilight Princess_ at any point after Link gains the power to transform at will  
**Disclaimer: **I own that which is not mine. Which is the Legend of Zelda. Nintendo does. Go, Nintendo!

Here we go again...

**

* * *

Only If You Want to. No, Really.**

"…Do we have to?"

"Yes."

No one moved or said anything.

"I mean, do we _have_ –"

"I'm pretty positive. Yes."

His calm, brazen, courageous voice didn't seem to have much effect on the hollowed-out mountain in front of them.

It was very, very black.

Link fingered his lantern, heard something scurry some twenty feet in front of them somewhere in the shadows, thought better of it, and scratched his side instead.

"Looks like a whale swam through it."

"…The mountain?"

"Yeah. You know. A rock whale. Swimming in the rock. Made the tunnel. Get the picture, dog boy?"

"…No."

"Shut up. Me neither."

The wind stirred. The rock whale bellowed from somewhere deep, deep, deep, deep, down, down down –

"We should probably just go in," said Link, at the exact same moment Midna said, "Nice day, isn't it?"

They stared at each other.

"Only if you want to," said Midna, as Link said, "It might rain tomorrow."

"Are you stupid?" they both asked.

Link smirked. Midna scowled.

"We have to go in eventually," he pointed out.

"Well, then. After you."

"Says Miss Invisible Girl."

"_You _have the humungous sword. _You _go in first."

"No way I'm going in there like this! I'm transforming."

"Then it'll be _your_ fat head going in first, anyway, 'cuz I'll be sitting on you."

"You're just scared, ponytail."

"It's _not a ponytail_, dogbreath, and no. I'm not. Scared."

"Don't worry, I'll protect you."

"Look at you, you couldn't protect your way out of one of Agitha's bug's dog bowls!"

"Oh, I forgot, you're _right. _Your ponytail will save us. And I don't think bugs eat dog food, much less out of dog bowls."

"…Just shut up and transform."

Cracking his neck once, Link dropped to a crouch and arched his back as Midna smacked the dark jewel shard into the center of his forehead, his clothes, equipment, and body vaporizing in a rush of black.

Midna, with a grunt of effort, plopped herself down on Link's back and crossed her arms as he twisted his neck around so he could look at her.

The beast's blue eyes twinkled. _Uh, ouch?_

Midna ignored him. "Whatever happened to the sweet, innocent, oh-crap-my-girlfriend-got-stolen-by-a-ginormous-pig-worshiper farmboy, huh? You used to be nice. Now you're nice and – well –"

The wolf's teeth glinted against the darkness of the tunnel. _Like you?_

"Yeah. Like me. Except you're big, muscular, blond, and stupid. Stop copying me! Stop letting me rub off on you!"

_What can I say? You inspire me. _The tunnel groaned. _You inspire the rock whale, too. Congratulations!_

"Okay, say _one more word_ and I'm praying to the four – negative eight – however-many-Goddesses-you-people-have to _smite_ you."

With a rocky, wolfish chuckle, all was silent.

The tunnel was very, very black.

And tall. And wide. Like Ganondorf hadn't been following his diet.

Midna leaned down. "…We gonna go in there?"

_Only if you want to._

"Only if _you_ want to."

"No, really," they both said.

"…Seriously."

_No joke._

From deep within the tunnel, something old, slow, and big with what Midna and Link guessed to be about nineteen rows of teeth bellowed.

_The rock whale has spoken._

"Yep."

_I love Ordon. I love cuckoos. I love Ilia. I love pumpkins. I love goat cheese. I love Midna. I love –_

"Just _walk_, stupid."

So Link and Midna passed into the rearing shadow of the gaping tunnel.

_I smell something funny._

Midna sniffed in the total darkness. "Smells like your breath in the morning."

_How do you know how my _breath_ smells in the morning?_

"Let's just say it doesn't take long for you to stink up a room."

_…Do you watch me sleep?_

"Shut up."

_I'm stepping on something really, really weird. It's moving._

"That's because it's a tongue."

The wolf froze. Midna blinked.

Link smiled. _Take the jewel out. Right now._

Midna leaped up, did so, and seconds later Link was brushing off his tunic, sword in hand, lantern out, lit, and hanging off his belt. He scruffed his hair, grinned at Midna, and said happily, "I _knew_ rock whales existed."

"_I_ believed in them first." The fourth row of teeth glinted over their heads as Midna crossed her arms. "After this, this is it. Ganondorf or no, Savior of Hyrule or no, we –"

"Are not doing tunnels." Link spun the Master Sword in his hand. "Ever. Again."

The entire cavern shook as something roared.

Link flattened his on-end hair. "We going in?"

"Only if you want to."

They stared at each other.

"No, really."

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Everyone needs a good dose of crack once and a while. :D

So, I guess it wasn't total, _complete_ crack. Without the rock whale, it's just straight comedy. I really hope you get what happened to them at the end. I wasn't being horribly subtle.

Look! I added shipping! (There isn't much, but you MidnaxLink people will see it. XD)

So, review. Tell me what you think. Leave all questions, comments, and suggestions in your REVIEW because I don't answer e-mails or PMs or anything because I'm afraid of creepers.

Stay tuned for more stuff!

Stay beautiful,

- musicka


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